Seraph Chronicles

Why Chinese and English names don’t match

Anne Chang
(Mandarin)-Dirty

Anne Chin
(Mandarin) - Keep quiet

Faye Chen
(Mandarin) - Dusty

Carl Cheng
(Hokkien) - Buttock

Monica Cheng
Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks

Lucy Leow
(Hokkien) - You are dead

Jane Tan
(Mandarin) - Frying eggs

Suzie Leow
(Hokkien) - Lost till death

Henry Mah
(Mandarin) - Hate your mum

Corrine Tai
(Hokkien) - Poor fellow

Paul Chan
(Mandarin) - Bankrupt

Nelson Tan
(Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

Leslie Tong
(Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

Carmen Teng
(Hokkien) - Leg hair long

Connie Mah
(Cantonese) - Call your mother

Danny See
(Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death

Rosie Teng
(Hokkien) - Screws and nails

Pete Tsai
(Hokkien) - Nose droppings

Macy Koh
(Cantonese) - Never die before

Tags: funny

Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:’Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’ The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’ So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’ The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’sfamily.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:’Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and ; enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun for our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Tags: funny

RENT FOR APARTMENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

‘Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 - it was too large.’

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.

Tags: funny

Superman’s son Batman

This story is a about a guy who goes to a police station to make a
report
and here is the starting of the story

Man: " Hi sir, I would like to complain about one of your police
officer, who have assaulted me at the cafe."

Sergeant: " Can I have your name pls?"

Man: "Batman"

More »

Tags: funny

A quick laugh for 5 mins

A quick laugh for 5 mins
Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don’t think I want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.

---

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don’t know maths.
Ted : You don’t know my father!

---

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

---

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

---

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It’s mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn’t say anything.

---

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

---

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

---

Waiter: I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.
Customer: Don’t tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

---

Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

---

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That’s why I say she’s no good!

---

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir.."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

---

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher. "’unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle."

 

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad’s then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

---

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean ‘under water’?"
"They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level"

Tags: funny

Rough little Indian Boys

A really funny song related to our recent demonstration, listen and I assure you will laugh out loud

Tags: funny

Last But Not So Last

Pak Lah : This is the last meeting we are going to have before I make my decision on who our candidates are. First of all, I would like to thank Keng Yaik and Affendi for voluntarily backing out. You are truly gentlemen. Anyone else wants to back out? Think of the party, not of yourself.

Najib : I think Samy should back out la.

Samy : Apa pasai? Why you think I should back out? Why not you?

Najib : You are a liability to MIC and BN la Samy, accept it la.

Samy : What do you mean liability? Give me proof?

Hisham : Ayo Samy, our intelligence report say, we will lose almost 100% of Indian votes if you still lead MIC. If you get lost, maybe we can bring it down to 60%.

Samy : Pakla, don’t listen to this two young punks la. Let me read this report just sent to me. After extensive intelligence gathering, we find that 20% of the Indians hated Samy Velu. Ha, only 20% la, where got 100%?

Nazri : Hey Samy I also got the same report la. Why don’t you continue?

Samy : Okay, I’ll continue, 40% cannot stand to see his face and 35% will kill him if they were to meet him. 5% believe that he is a good leader. Ha, I still got 5% what?

Pak Lah : Come on la Samy, you’ve been around for a long time already; you have made your money. You are even richer than me, so back out la. Think of the party la Samy.

Samy : Yes, I am richer than you but Najib, 2 deals only is already richer than me, why not ask him also to go? His submarine and Sukhoi and Altantunya also make him a liability what.

Pak Lah : I know that one, but he is from UMNO, that is the difference. The Malays will accept corrupt Malay leaders, as long as they potong, its okay.

Samy : Oh, kalu chunik potong kalu, berapa banyak rasuah pun takpa ka? Mana adil ini macam Pakla?

Najib : That is the way it is in this country Samy. We all from UMNO got immunity, you people, tadak potong punya, don’t.

Samy : No, saya akan tetap bertanding.

Kayveas : Adei Samy, listen to them la, what they say is true la. Don’t talk about justice all la, as if you are concerned about justice. This is not the place to be talking about justice la old man. We want to win. If that means you will be dropped then so be it.

Samy : Dei Kayveas, you just shut up la. You budak lagi la, you apa tau? What you want to be champions of the Indians ka? If I am forced to back out, I make sure you go down with me. Hey, Mahathir also cannot force me out la.

Kayveas : Tengok Pakla, tadak guna punya Hindu. Think of himself only. Just shoot him la Pakla, don’t give chance. Najib, itu C4 lagi ada ka? Mari kita sekarang taroh itu C4 sama dia. Cilaka punya orang.

Keng Yaik : Samy ah, enough la. So long already you in the cabinet. You want to stay until you die ka? What you think they will bury you in the Makam Pahlawan ka? Every time people curse you la. Now even your own race cannot
stand you, give up la Samy. Come join me la. We all retire. After all, we are not sure if we are going to win this time around. BN also not sure going to win or not.

Pak Lah : What are you talking about Kheng Yaik? Why you say like that? Lu jaga lu punya mulut ah Apek.

Keng Yaik : No la Pak Lah, If everyone wants to deny us 2/3 majority, then all of them would not vote us la. We may lose more than just 1/3 la. Haiya, that one also cannot see ah?

Pak Lah : Maybe the Chinese or Indians la Keng Yaik, not the Malays la. The Malays love UMNO.

Keng Yaik : Are you sure ah Pak Lah? Now even the Chinese and Indians are willing to vote PAS if it is the only opposition available to them, don’t you think that there would be Malays willing to vote DAP? Don’t be foolish la Pak Lah. Until now still cannot get Kelantan despite all the dirty tricks. Who are majority voters in Kelantan? Malys la, some more what.

Pak Lah : Betoi ka dia kata tu Najib?

Najib : Jangan dengar cakap orang tua penyembur tu la Pak lah. Orang Melayu takkan lupa UMNO punya. Orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO

Nazri : Ntah la, ada lojik jugak cakap Keng Yaik tu. Memang la orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO tapi rela ka dia mati untuk kita?

Pak Lah : Apa yang orang Melayu tak puaih hati lagi dengan kita? Kita bagi macam-macam kat depa, apa lagi dia mau?

Kah Ting : Lu mau tau ka? Dia olang tengok sumua itu UMNO punya olang besar manyak kaya. Bikin lumah banyak besar. Keleta 4, 5, sumua mahal-mahal punya. Dulu punya Melayu punya UMNO punya olang tak buat itu macam. Kalau dia kaya pun, dia tak tunjuk sama olang. Sekalang punya UMNO punya olang manyak sombong oh. Dia kaya, dia selalu tunjuk. Dia tak takot punya. Itu olang Melayu biasa tak suka la ini macam punya sombong punya olang.

Nazri : Apa, salah ka dia beli rumah besar dan kereta besar? Apa orang Cina saja ka buleh beli rumah besar. Pak Lah, letak Kah Ting kat Tanjong tengok. Jom kita tengok orang Cina suka kat dia ka tak?

Keng Yaik : Tak salah, tapi baru 2, 3 hari jadi menteri sudah kaya ka? Dia punya gaji berapa? Dulu jaga gate keretapi sekarang boleh bikin Istana, orang tak heran ka la Pak Lah? Your weakness ah, is that you think the Malays are stupid. They are not la Pak Lah. Many have opened their eyes la. Many are not ignorant anymore.

Pak Lah : Alah, kalau kalah pun, kalah sikit saja.

Keng Yaik : Sorry ha Pak Lah if I say something. You have been sleeping too much, you have lost touch with reality.

Pak Lah : I think ah Keng Yaik, you don’t resign la. This year you stand in Permatang Pauh, mau ka?

Samy : Pak Lah, saya macam mana?

Pak Lah : Meeting adjourn la, semua balik dulu. Saya mengantok ni. Nanti lain kali la.

Tags: funny

Economics 101; The Cow factor

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you’re sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM: You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and mulitply your herd. The State take 30 per cent of your
herd as it grows and give them to your bumiputra neigbour. Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

UMNOPUTRAISM: The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in Switzerland in the name of some UMNO official or close relatives, friends and sons-in-law.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turnaround the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Tags: funny

Talking booth

Ok, so what would you do if you entered a booth like this? Would you tear it down and look for the person talking to you? Or just follow the instructions and look stupid?

How do these people survive?

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager
at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or
twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order half dozen nuggets, but I
can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the ” divider”, looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code
she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve
changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,”
and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had
just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you
need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have
a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I don ‘t know. Do you have an alarm,
too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it
and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It’s a long walk.”

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five “blank” copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
“Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the
driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make
a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t
telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the
suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be
fine… The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer…..
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough…

It’s tougher if you’re stupid