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公式 (E=MC2)

September 27th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

公式 (E=MC2):
1、人=吃饭+睡觉+上班+玩
2、猪=吃饭+睡觉

把2代入1:人=猪+上班+玩;
两边各减去玩:人-玩=猪+上班
结论:不懂玩的人=会上班的猪

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Logik, sial

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

A World Bank development official went into a kampung to help the residents improve economically.

He immediately felt the reason for the poverty was clear when he saw Mat lounging under a tree.

“Why aren’t you working?” he asked.

“Work for what?” replied Mat.

World Bank Official: “So you can have an income!”

Mat: “For what?”

World Bank Official: “So you can start saving!”

Mat: “For what?”

World Bank Official: “So you don’t have to work any more!”

Mat looked at him, puzzled, and said: “I’m not working now.”

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Anyhow Whack

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by Roland)

Once there was a kampung, and the village headman was very concerned about the poor economic performance of the Malay community. So he commissioned a professor of sociology to study all the communities of the village to discover the cause.

After much study, the professor finally reported back to the headman.

“Well, it looks like the economic problems all stem from the drumbeats of each community,” said the professor.

“Eh? What you talking?” replied the headman.

“You see, the Malay word for ‘profit’ is ‘untong’. And it so happens that the Chinese drumbeat is UNTONG … UNTONG … UNTONG, UNTONG, UNTONG!!”

“I see, so of course they make lots of money! And what about the Indians?”

“Well, the Indians don’t make that much money, so their drumbeat is SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG, SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG.”

“And the Malays?”

“Unfortunately, it’s TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG …”

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Taken to the cleaners

September 20th, 2006 | 1 Comment | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by Have Cock Will Travel)

Two Malaysian mats are walking along Boon Lay Road when they see a sign which reads: ‘Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair’.

Ali says to his pal, “Gerek, sial! We could buy a whole lot and when we get back to Johor, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you diam-diam, okay? Just let me do all the talking ’cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us. I’ll speak in my best Singapore accent.”

They go in and Ali orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, “You’re from Malaysia, aren’t you?”

“Oh, … yes,” says a surprised Ali. “How come you know that?”

The owner says, “This is a dry-cleaners.”

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Let he who is without brains cast the first stone

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by Mat)

A war broke out between two neighbouring countries - a small island and its northern neighbour. The southern, predominantly Chinese soldiers decided to pull a trick on its northern enemy.

The southern troops called out “Eh, Mat! Mat!”, and suddenly the northern troops began standing up and asking “Siapa panggil aku?” (who’s calling me?).

The southeners immediately opened fire, killing a great number of these mats.

Furious, the remaining Mat soldiers decided to pull the same trick on their enemies… “Oi, Lee! Lee!”, they shouted, and the Lee Soldiers started shouting back, “Kong simi?” (What are you talking about?).

The mat soldiers immediately stood up and replied, “Aku lah!” (Me, lah!), getting their heads shot off soon after.

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Potong Saga

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by Tony)

A Chinese guy bought a new car, and drove it to a temple to have it blessed. The Taoist priest chanted a mantra, stuck a paper talisman on the windscreen and sprinkled some scented water over the car.

An Indian guy bought a new car, sent it to his temple - the priest chanted a prayer and sprinkled ash over the bonnet.

An Eurasian bought a new car and took it to his church - the Father said a prayer, sprinkled some holy water over the car and stuck a St. Christopher medallion on the dashboard.

A Malay guy bought a new car, took it to his regular mosque and the Imam chanted some prayers. Then, the Imam took a hacksaw, went to the back of the car and sawed of a part of the exhaust tailpipe.

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You’re Fried

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by ZJ Chen)

A British soldier, a Chinese soldier and a Malay soldier were running away from a group of Japanese soldiers and came to a deserted warehouse.

The British saw some gunny sacks and thought that the they had no choice but to hide using the gunny sacks. So the three of them hid in the gunny sack and soon the Japs came into the warehouse.

The commander saw three suspicious looking sacks, went up to the first one with the Briton hiding in it and kicked it. The quick thinking Briton cried, “Meow, meow!”

The Jap commander, thinking it was only a cat, went to the other with the Chinese inside, gave it a kick, and the Chinese cried, “Woof, woof!”

Again, the Jap commander was tricked and moved on to the third, gave it a kick, at which the Malay cried out, “Potato, potato!”

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Great Expectations

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

Mat went into the Job Centre to apply for a job. He filled in the Name, Age, Address and IC No. columns, but then paused at a column marked “Salary Expected”. He wasn’t sure what to write, so he thought for a long while. At last, he smiled, put his pen to paper and wrote, “Yes”.

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Air Borne

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by Brent)

4 commandos went on a mission. They were 1 American, 1 Japanese, and 2 Singaporeans ( 1 Malay and 1 Chinese).

They were on a helicopter with their barang barangs. Midway in the air, the American commando took out a brand new pack of Marlboros, opened it and took out a stick to smoke. Then he threw the rest of the pack out of the helicopter. On seeing this, the Japanese commando asked,

Japanese: Why you throw away the pack of cigarettes?
American : Marlboro!!! America got a lot !!!

Then the Japanese took out his Sony walkman, and started to listen to it. After a while, he stopped and threw the whole walkman out of the helicopter. The Chinese commando saw it and asked,

Chinese : Why you throw away your Sony walkman?
Japanese: Sony walkman!!! Japan got a lot !!!

Then the Chinese suddenly grabbed the Malay and threw him out of the helicopter. The American and the Japanese were shocked! They asked him why he threw the Malay commando out.

The Chinese commando replied: ” Malay!!! Singapore got a lot !!!

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Television

September 20th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in Just for Laughs

(Contributed by MJ)

One day Ramli was looking to buy a television. (Let’s say he couldn’t try Courts because he got banned for being unable to continue his installment payments a tad too often.) So he tried this neighbourhood department store that sold a wide range of electrical appliances. Not knowing that the store was prejudiced against Mats, he went in and looked around.

When he finally found what he was looking for, he went up to the sales assistant and asked, “Eh brudder, how much this TV, ah?”

The sales assistant gave him a disgusted look and proclaimed, “Get out of this store, we don’t provide service to low-life mats. Fuck off!”

Ramli was very sad, but he was determined to get his TV. So, fortunately for him, he had this make-up artist friend who could do wonders. Ramli was thus disguised as a Chinese, and very well too. It was like a total transformation took place. Even his own mother couldn’t recognise him.

So off he went, back to the store, this time just wandering around casually, taking his time until the Sales Assistant came up to him and said, “Good afternoon, sir, may I help you with anything?”

Ramli, in his most distinguished manner, replied, “Yes please, I would like to know, this televisen how much?”

The sales assistant squinted and stared at Ramli for a few seconds, then exclaimed,” Look, you stupid cock, I told you once and I’m telling you again that we don’t serve people like you so why don’t you just fuck off and don’t ever come back!”

Ramli was shocked that the salesperson was able to recognise him when even his own mother almost chased him away thinking he was a stranger.

“Eh! how you know I who? My disguise gerek what, how come you still know?” asked the shocked Ramli.

The sales assistant looked at him disgustedly and said,” Because, you bodoh, that’s a microwave oven.”

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