Seraph Chronicles

Sahara Club

(Contributed by Ted)

An ang-mor, a Chinese and a Mat were driving through the desert when their jeep suddenly broke down. The only supplies they brought were a bottle of water and an umbrella. The ang-mor swiped the bottle of water and walked off. The Chinese took the umbrella and went in a different direction. The Mat, unfazed, ripped the jeep door off and did likewise.

3 days later, the men were rescued by a search party. The media was amazed on how they survived for 3 days in the desert, and asked them how they managed it.

The ang-mor replied, “Oh I carried a bottle of water and rationed myself to a minimum amount per day.”

The Chinese answered, “I used the umbrella to shade myself in the daytime so that I wouldn’t lose water by dehydration.”

The Mat boasted, “You see ah, brudder, I carried thees jeep door, so dat when I was feeling hot, I only have to wind down the window, lah.”

Tags: funny

Beat This!

(Contributed by MJ)

A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, “Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who’s cock the biggest, lah. My cock bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I melayu, issit?

The father sighed and looked at him and said, “No,lah. Because you’re eighteen years old.”

Tags: funny

Insert Here

(Contributed by MJ)

Somewhere in Desker Road, there was a porn shop. One day the owner had to go out for a while and told his assistant to look after the shop and try to make some sales.

After a while, an Ah Lian walked into the store and looked around at the dildo section.

Ah Lian: White dido how march?
Assistant: 20 dollars.
Ah Lian: And den the black one?
Assistant: Same.
Ah Lian: I neh try black one. You gimme dat.

With that, he made 20 dollars. After a while, an Indian woman came to the store and looked around for a dildo.

Indian lady : Ayoyo, the vhaiiite dildo, how much?
Assistant: 20 dollars.
Indian lady: And dhen the black vun?
Assistant: Same.
Indian lady: Amah, I never try vhite vun before. I take vhite vun.

So he made another 20 dollars. Not bad he thought. After which, a Minah came to the store and looked around.

Minah: Eh-eh! The white dildo. Berapa? (How much?)
Assistant: 20 dollars.
Minah: Like that ah? Then the black one?
Assistant: Same price.
Minah: Hmm… (looking around more)….. Eh-eh! That chequered one how much?
Assistant: (confused) Which one?
Minah: There! That one on the shelf. Besar punya! (big one)
Assistant: (smiling widely) This one is very special dildo, the only one of its kind in Singapore. It’s very expensive, but satisfaction guaranteeed. 360 dollars!
Minah: Wah! So much, ah! Ok never mind, I take.

After a while, the owner came back and asked the Assistant how much he made.

Assistant: I made $400.
Owner: So much? What did you sell?
Assistant: Well, I sold a white dildo for $20, a black one for $20 dollars and some Minah bought your thermos flask for $360!

Tags: funny

What The Fish

(Contributed by MJ)

One day, Ahmad and Ramli decided to go fishing in the sea. They needed a boat, but did not have one so they decided to rent a fishing boat.

When they went out to sea, they tried one spot first, but had no luck catching fish. So they decided to try another spot but to no avail. They sailed to a number of different spots and as luck would have it, they finally found one spot where they managed to catch fish after fish.

So Ahmad told Ramli that they should come back tomorrow to fish again, and asked him to somehow mark the spot or try to remember where they were so that they would have a lot of fish to catch. Ramli said that he would take care of it and they both returned home, satisfied with the day’s catch and eager for the next day to come.

The next morning, as they were on their way to the boat rental shop, Ahmad asked Ali, “So, do you know the spot where got a lot of fish?”

Ali replied, “Jangan tension, I very clever, I do what you tell me and mark the area.”

“So what did you do?” asked Ahmad.

“I very clever I tell you, I painted an X under the boat at the spot where got many fish!” replied Ali.

Ahmad looked at his friend for a very long time and finally gave him a deserving smack on the head while shouting, “You stupid kotek (cock)!!!!!! What if we get a different boat today?!!”

Tags: funny

Mat Jokes

(Contributed by pitbull)

If Singaporeans eat maggi mee and Indonesians eat indomee, then what do Malaysians eat?
Sodomee

(Contributed by pitbull)

Where is a Malay’s favourite shopping spot?
Matro

(Contributed by pitbull)

What is a Malay’s favourite tv show?
Ali Matbeal

(Contributed by pitbull)

What do you call a small, cheap Malay?
Econ mini mat

(Contributed by Mat)

What do you call a Mat driving a police car?
A stupid car thief.

(Contributed by Mat)

What do you call a Mat driving a Nissan (or any non-luxury car)?
A car thief.

(Contributed by MJ)

When a normal female kills her foetus, it’s called abortion.
What is it called when a Minah does the same thing?
Drug abuse prevention.

(Contributed by MJ)

What do you call a young Mat ?
Mini Mat

(Contributed by MJ)

What do you call a Mat bungee jumping?
Mat-Yo Yo

(Contributed by MJ)

How do you confuse a Mat?
Put him in a circular room and ask him to relac one corner.

(Contributed by MJ)

What do you call a Mat flying first class in an airplane throwing his weight around?
A hijacker.

(Contributed by MJ)

What do you call a Mat driving a Porsche/Ferrari/Alpha Romeo that he bought with his own hard earned money?
A figment of your wildest imagination.

What do you call a Mat who’s peddling a bicycle?
Also a Thief.

What do you call a Mat who’s driving a Datsun 121?
Thief.

What do you call a Mat who’s driving a Mercedes Benz?
Ahmad. (Chauffeur)

What do you call a Mat lawyer?
Matlock!

Tags: funny